Stupid Cartoon Sidekicks

There are things in life which you just accept without thinking about it. There's the cowbell used in rock music, Microsoft, John Tesh, illegal defense in the NBA, David Hasselhoff, Metachlorians, and, the worst of them all, Cartoon Sidekicks.

What are Cartoon Sidekicks? They are the smaller, dumber, clumpsier, smart-aleck companions to the 'real' stars of the cartoon who nearly 80% of the time save the day - not through their thoughtful actions, but rather by their own stupidity.

I guess the main reason they exist is to offset the "seriousness" of the action cartoon to make it easy for kids to watch by providing comic relief. That's all fine and good, but, come on!

Each one of these sidekicks are a complete waste of time. Each one of these characters have no reason to live, let alone be on a cartoon. From Gleek of the Superfriends to the worst of the worst, Scrappy Doo, each one is pitiful in their own unique way.

Scrappy Doo

Look at him. Just look at him...

Scrappy Doo is seed of the Devil. He's the King of Mindless Corporate Committee Thinking. He's the Yoko Ono of Saturday Morning Cartoons. I am convinced that Poochy of The Simpsons was inspired by this little retched demon.

Unlike the rest of the characters on this list, Scrappy was an addition to the cast to an already successful cartoon script. Scooby Doo Where Are You? was a hit from the begining, and it's still popular today. Why the powers-that-be at Hanna Barbara decided they needed a little moron to run around with his fists up yelling, "Letme at em! Letme at em!" is beyond me.

This guy ruined Scooby Doo and it's never been the same.


Orko

Orko was a side character in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

Just what is Orko, anyway? A ghost? An alien? Oh, that's right, he's a annoying interfering Magician who keeps things in his gapping empty head.

You would think He-Man would sit down with him and say, "You know, I can defeat Skeletor by myself. You just get my way and make things more difficult. Believe me, I can handle it. I mean, I'm He-Man."


Snarf

Incredibly similar to Orko, Snarf is another mystery. He looks like he is part rodent, part Cheshire Cat, part Vulcan and part Muppet. His personality is a blend of Barney Fife meets nervous chiwawa.

Now, I loved the Thundercats. The cast of characters, the plot, the cartoon design, all attracted me to this cartoon. I loved it so much I wrote an Apple Basic Infocom-like game about the Thundercats. The only downer I could find was this little hairy, multicolored rodent.

Always interfering, always annoying, always preaching, Snarf should have been left behind on the exploding, doomed Thundera with Lion-O waving at him mouthing, "Snarf Snarf!" on the way out of the atmosphere.


Godzooky

Godzooky was part of the Hanna Barbara series called The Godzilla Power Hour, which was another in a long line of lame American attempts to make money off of Godzilla.

I don't recall much about this one, but I remember that little Godzooky guy bugged me so much. And he was a nephew of Godzilla! Nephew?? And he didn't look a thing like Godzilla! Godzooky had wings! To accept this, you need to believe that Godzilla had a sibling, and that sibling was married (yes, married - this is a kids show) and those two giant monsters had a litttle distaster for a kid. Why did his parents let Godzilla take care of him? Because Godzilla was a good role model for monster by causing chaos and destroying cities?


Gleek

I loved the Superfriends growing up, but when Wendy, Marvin and Wonderdog (this last one came close to making this list) left the show and were replaced by the Wondertwins, something evil entered the Hall of Justice.

Yes. I am talking about Gleek, the blue space monkey who was a rip-off of Space Ghost's Blip. But at least Blip could make himself invisible! Gleek's superpower is somehow saving the day and a retractable tail. This is the stupid monkey that saved Superman (or any other of the Superfriends) in just about every episode of The Superfriends. A bumbling monkey saving the Man of Steel? Believe it! I hated how they all laughed at him at the end of each episode.

Note to all cartoon writers: cartoon monkeys are not funny.


Oon

Oon was from Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, which was one of those syndicated cartoons based on a line of toys. First of all, this whole cartoon was whacked. The Lightning League (which Oon was somehow a part of) battled these half plant half machine characters led by the evil SawBoss to get back half of some mystical root.

Oon had some dysfunctional behavior. He would snip, argue or give the silent treatment to anyone who irks him. Oon was armed with a magic lance, which could be used as a lance, spear, shield, and sword against both physical and magical attacks. He could also divide himself into individual pieces of his armor and put himself back together again by clicking and twisting the parts back into place. So there is not much hope it dismembering him.

Even with these ablities Oon was always scared by everything. If I had a magical weapon, could live through being blow apart, and was 2000 years old, I would feel a bit more secure going into battle. Not this Chicken Little...


Marcus Brody

Ok, so Denholm Elliot is not a cartoon character, but his role of Marcus Brody in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade embodies nearly everything stupid cartoon sidekicks do.

Dr. Marcus Brody was the museum curator in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and in this movie Brody was a great character. He was smart, articulate, and supportive to Indiana Jones. Somehow between Raiders and The Last Crusade, Marcus Brody fell from grace and became a bumbling doofus. Marcus, once the cool professor and fitting partner for Doctor Jones returned as a doofus who gets "lost in his own museum."

Did the Brody in Raiders need to be replaced in the name of comedy relief?